When Darkness Comes

My mom and I have been talking about what I’m going to do for a job lately, and we’ve come to the decision that I’m going to work at Westwood Video. Any one of my friends know where that is? It’s in Westwood Village next to Holiday, Rite Aid, and all that Jazz. I think that would be such a great job. It’s slow business so I wouldn’t have to do much of anything. And it would probably pay minimum wage, but that’s okay. It’s enough. I did all the math and I’ll have enough money to pay for my own High Speed internet connection and a cell phone. My mom won’t pay for any of that. The only thing is, I have to wait until school starts again. I need a work permit since I’m only 14. And I have to get it from the school. But that’s alright, I’m leaving in a week for my dad’s house. So whatever. I’m so excited though. None of this stupid “allowance” shit. I’m sick of it. I never see any of the money anyways. So yep. I’m gonna do it and it’s gonna be great. Later!

I hate summer vacation. I know, I’m weird for saying that, as most people love it. But I can’t stand it. I would SO much rather be at school right now, spending time with my friends. I’m sitting here waiting anxiously for Brandon to call me so I can go see him, but unfortunately he’s taking forever and a day to get ready. I’ve been waiting for 2 hours now and it’s getting annoying. I’m bored out of my mind and all I want to do is go back to school. Although I would be so much happier if only Brandon would call me. All I have is his picture to look at and that’s making me miss him even more. But you know, I’ll stop complaining. I should just go to sleep until the phone wakes me up. Oooh, that sounds good. Or I can watch a movie. Alright, sorry. I had to ramble.

Okay, so I read my poems yesterday as soon as I posted them, and I realized that other than my closest friends, no one really knows what they mean. So, to sum it up, Brandon’s switching schools next year. He’s going to an all boys’ charter school of some sort. Now, I don’t know what that’s going to do to our relationship because he’ll be living there and I don’t know how often we’re going to be able to see each other or talk on the phone. But we’re not breaking up if Brandon has anything to say about it. He’s told me time and time again he wants to marry me and even gave me a ring, but I’m not ready for that at all. It may be like that for him, but I refuse to think that way. I just see the ring as a promise ring and won’t talk to him about any type of marriage deal. Not until I’m at least 17. Lol. But yeah, I figured I’d let you in on that spiffy information. Hope you’re not confused anymore!

Alright, so it’s my first day of summer vacation and I feel great! Lol. I did fine on my finals, I’m sure of it. I was so worried, and it was for nothing. So now I’m sitting here, lonely, and wishing I could be back at school. D’oh! Why, you’re wondering? Because: 1. It’s boring sitting here all alone. I have no one to talk to most of the time since Brandon or LeAnna can hardly ever talk on the phone and NEVER go online. The only animate things I have in this house to talk to are my pets, and that gets old, trust me. 2. I can’t see LeAnna or Brandon every day now, even though Brandon came over to my house today and probably will a lot. His friend lives right around the corner from me. Yay! But I can’t see LeAnna cuz she’s like, partially grounded or something. But yeah, so life stinks right about now. Only not really cuz I can’t think that way! Lol. Oh well, soon, the fair will be here and I’ll hang out with all my friends, and then guess what?? DADDY TIME! Lol. Yesssss. I can’t wait to see him. It’s been too long! Well I’ve got two poems I wrote awhile ago, so I’ll post those. Other than that, Rock on my friends!

Ugh. I hate finals, I really do. I have both Science and English tomorrow. My two hardest subjects. Grrr. I really don’t want to do that. I think I’m going to get a horrible grade on the English final. I really do. Lol, okay I’ll stop complaining. But it’s just so much fun! Anyways……I just got back from a four day camping trip with LeAnna and let me tell you, I’m seriously missing my boyfriend right now. I MISS BRANDON! Lol. God I love him. I can’t wait until tomorrow to see him, even with the finals and everything. I’ll let you know how I did on the finals tomorrow when I get back! But suspect complaining again! Hehe.

I have a MySpace account now! I’ve got most of my stuff on there now, so that’s that. Here’s the link:

Jessica’s MySpace

Go visit!

Grrr…Sorry guys. I haven’t updated this site in so long! I’ve been so busy with getting my grades up and everything. I figured this would be a good time to start updating again, since my life has taken a minor downfall. I don’t know how much I should say about it, but I guess to sum it up, I’ve been living a lie for the past 1 1/2 months or so. “Someone” has been pretending one thing, but I can’t do anything about that one thing because some else is keeping me from that. Confusing? I thought so. But yeah, I’m pissed off right now. But I’m not going to go through some maniac depressive I Hate Myself escapade because of it. It’s really not that big of a deal, I’ve just been thrown off-track for a bit. I just need to get my bearings straight and figure out what the hell I’m going to do about this. Well anyways…I’ll try to update more, I promise.

Can anyone tell me why life is the hardest thing a person has to go through? I mean, no matter what you do, you always end up feeling like crap in the end. Well, what I just did is a one-way road. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, but I am. I told Zack, who I’m sure I love, that I’m not ready for a serious relationship. And I’m not. I’m only 14 and it feels awkward and strange to have such a serious relationship. I don’t wanna screw my life up like my sisters did because they were both in serious realtionships when they were my age. They loved the guys, and so they had sex, thinking nothing would come of it. Well, Courtney and Bryanna came of it. And that’s not the only thing. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me to make the decision of who I love and who I don’t. I fell in love way too soon. That scares me. I just want to be a kid still and enjoy my teen life without having to worry about a serious realtionship. But I just feel so goddamn bad about it. I know I broke Zack’s heart. I know I did. And I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I want more than anything to be his best friend still. I don’t want him to forget me like he did his other ex-girlfriends. I don’t know if he wants that, or if he’s willing to forget me in time. The hardest part of this is knowing that he’s so in love with me and that he’s hurting so badly inside. It’s haunting me. But if he didn’t feel so heartbroken, this would definitely be easier. We’re just on a break right now, it’s not off. I’m just taking some time to think things through. But I’m scared the end result will be that I’m happier without being in a serious relationship with him. That would be so devastating for the both of us. Zack, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I love you and that I don’t mean to hurt you. I want you to be happy but I can’t sacrifice my own happiness for that. I wish I could, but that means a lot to me. Please don’t be angry with me and don’t hate me. I’m doing this for me, and I know that that’s selfish but I seriously just want you to accept my decision to make myself happier. In the end, it might work out for us. Just don’t put all your hope on me changing my mind. I might, but then again, I might not. I’m not sure. I love you.

I can’t believe how stupid I am. Ok, Friday I got my video card in the mail. I was so excited, I did everything I needed to do. I uninstalled my old one, opened up the computer tower, and unscrewed the cover to the video card slot. I went to slide it into the slot, but just my luck, it wouldn’t fit. I looked closer, and realized that I don’t have an AGP video card slot on my computer. Which, of course, is the video card I had just bought for $60.00. I have a PCI slot. So I emailed the guy I bought it from and he said that I can return it for the base price ($40.00) minus a 20% restocking fee. So I’m gonna get back like $32.00. Bettter than nothing… But none of this would have happened and I’d already have a working video card if I had checked which slot type I have. I figured I had AGP because my computer’s a newer computer (2002), but I guess it came with onboard video, so it’s a PCI. Grr. AGP’s so much better though. Whatever. I’ll have my video card within 2 weeks I guess. Can someone do me a favor, you know, the next time you talk to me…Remind me not to be so stupid! Thanks.

Gosh, I have so much fricking homework. I got two of my grade sheets about a week ago and I figured that the grade was so low because I’ve been absent so much. Oh if only I knew. Turns out, I’m failing my classes on my own will. I would be going along pretty much the same low road if I were at school all those times. I don’t have anything else to say about that other than, “Shit!” I have no idea how I’m gonna get my grades up. I took a makeup Spanish test today and I hope that helps my grade. Along with all of that, I’ve got homework from here to Tahiti and back again, twice. I haven’t even called my dad like I was supposed to and I haven’t called Zack yet and I’ve been home for like 45 minutes. I’ve still got piles of homework to do. Grrr….Well anyways. That’s enough complaining. No wonder I’m such a bad student. I’m always on the computer!!!

Well my friends….If you haven’t already noticed…I’ve added little graphics picture thing to the sidebar. I found them on this site: Unique Graphics. It’s awesome. There’s so many more sites for them!! I think I’m obsessed. Anyhoo…Expect me to be posting a ton on here. Just thought I’d let you know!

Well now the site’s green. Pooey. The awesome balck, red, and yellow one didn’t work for internet explorer users, so I changed it. I need a new template! I’m in the midst of figuring that one out though. It might take awhile.

Started a new book today! It’s called The Cottage, by Danielle Steel. (Click on the title to read what it’s about) And I have to say, Danielle Steel is a really good author. She reminds me of the way I write in a way. Only her’s is professional. It’s really big, 387 pages! Really small writing. Anyways, just thought I’d let you know!

Well I have again taken up drawing to pass my time, and I must say, I don’t know why I stopped. I sat myself down atmy kitchen table today, and drew for like 3 hours. It’s a picture I got off of the internet, and I’m really not that far yet. Her hair isn’t exactly perfect yet, and I still need to finish the background and put her wings on. Also, I’m gonna add more leaves. If you want to see my drawing, click more.

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Yea! I got one of my dad’s Christmas presents in the mail today! It’s the One Tree Hill 1st season DVD.

I’ve watched 1 1/2 episodes already, and it’s awesome to see how much the show has changed since the first season (it’s now in the middle of season 2) I remember watching the 1st episode ages ago. If you want to read the description of the show if you’ve never seen it, click (more…)

Wow, I’m reading such an awesome book right now. It’s called Dancing On The Edge and it’s by Han Nolan. At first I was sort of hesitant to read it because it had a lot to do with superstition and spirits and that kinda thing, but it turned out to be such an amazing book! And the ending is getting better and better as I continue. Anyways, I think I will finish it tonight, even though it will probably keep me up way too late for my own good, but I just can’t stop reading it! Lol .Anyways, this is a highly recommended book for anyone who’s interested in this sort of thing….

Hey guys! I need to appologize for not posting on this blog for the past couple of days. I’m really sick right now, stomach flu and all that, so I’m constantly in bed or playing the Sims 2. Relaxing things like that. I haven’t had time to go through the internet and look up houses for HOTD, haven’t had the energy and creative skill to write any more poems, and haven’t been at school to take funny pictures of my friends and show them to everyone, so that mostly explains my temporary MIA status. Make sense? But right now, I’m gonna post some things about me in the All About Me section and then probly do everything else that I need to catch up on over the weekend. One good thing about being sick, though is that I can stay home from school. It’s very relaxing to do that every once in a while. Only I miss my friends and I’m worried about all the school stuff I’ve missed. Anyways……..Gotta get ta posting.

1-11-05
~My Loving Father~
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Yay! I’m finally home! It’s weird because I got so used to my dad’s house and now I’m back home and everything seems different even though I’ve lived here for 11 years. Anyways, I couldn’t believe what I did. I was in Santa Barbara and I came into my dad’s office to write up a few things for the blog, and I realized that I didn’t have my password! ‘Doh! Obviously I couldn’t write anything for the 5 days I was gone. Oh well, I’m back now and I plan to make up for lost time. Yay! I’m really excited to be back home, but I miss Santa Barbara WAY too much to be completely happy right now. Anyways, look for updates!

Wow. I was sitting in my room this morning and I realized that I really can’t wait to see my dad. I was thinking, I really need to get ready for school, I’ve only got 10 minuted and I’m not even dressed! But then I saw a picture of my dad. I got all excited and started to get ready in turbo mode, anything to make the time go faster. I’m leaving tomorrow morning! Yay!! Of course I will still update the blog with pictures of Santa Barbara and my Chirstmas gifts, and my daddy dearest, and me of course. Gosh, I’m getting carried away, aren’t I?? Lol. Anyways. I’m so excited!!! I better get to packing though. I never managed to get very far last night. I only got 1 outfit and my toothbrush in there, which of course is no longer in there because I realized that I still need it. Watch me forget it. I always do that. I brush my teeth that morning and think to myself that I need to put it in my suitcase, but I always forget because I’m so used to just sticking it in the medicine cabinet. Well I’ll try hard this time. Talk to you all later!

I’m packing right now, and let me tell you, it is definitely not my favorite thing in the world. There’s so much stuff to think about, which you know I’m not good at, and I’m constantly worrying if I’m forgetting anything. I always seem to forget something, whether it be my toothbrush, hairbrush, or pajamas, I always forget it. I am really excited about seeing my dad, though. I’ve gone way too long without seeing him this time. Since Thanksgiving! I’m so used to seeing him on Christmas, but it just didn’t work out this time. But this way, I get to miss a day of school! Everything happens for a reason, I guess. Grrr. I better get back to packing. I’m so not looking forward to this…………………